I have never been consistent with taking the time to do daily devotions, and recently, almost any practice of prayer has faded out of my daily routine aside from meals and emergency pleas.
On Thursday night, a few close friends and I had a spontaneous prayer time, which was such a blessing. It was such a refreshment to my heart: to be able to share some of my struggles with contentment and relationships, as well as the opportunity to pray for the struggles of the others.
I think it was at this time that I started to realize what has been missing in my life, and how much peace and joy I am missing out on. I've also noticed my heart to be more bitter, more easily annoyed, more willing to hold grudges and it overflows into my life by filling my speech with complaints and making my actions self-serving. I'm sure it's due to not having devotions and practicing regular prayer. Some people think I am such a woman of God, and yet I know that I can be so complacent and practice such apathy. I have seen the effect on my attitude... it often stinks and I complain so much; I talk about others, especially when they, so often, get on my nerves. I also haven't journaled regularly for such a long time; the last entry in my journal was dated in August. I truly have seen the effects on my life because when I don't journal, I don't take the time to write and vent. But, when I journal, my mind and soul are better for it.
Today in Sunday school we talked about James 4:11-12, where James rebukes the church for judging others within the body and speaking down on others.
Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgement on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you--who are you to judge your neighbor?We discussed that humility is the opposite of judging others, because when we judge others our heart-motive is a seeking to serve ourselves by elevating ourselves as we tear others down. Our teacher showed us that in verse 11, the command is in present tense which denotes that slander was happening at that time. Even though the church was saying that they were not of the world, they were acting worldly, which is pure hypocrisy. James was calling them out on their motives and their hearts.
One thought that stood out to me and challenged me at the core, was that, if I want to know if I am humble, I should consider how I speak about others. That challenged me greatly. I ended up skipping the actual church service and heading back to my room right after Sunday school to spend some time journaling because I needed time to mull over what we had just talked about. It was so powerful and convicting to me.
Another thought was that by speaking about others or criticizing others with friends, I have, in fact, already condemned the characteristic or action of that person in my mind prior to speaking because speaking and judging go hand-in-hand; one is the source of the other.
I should be praying for humility, but that's even scarier than learning patience! Yet, as much as it scares me to ask for humility because it terrifies me to imagine what struggles and challenges I might face as a result, I stil believe it is necessary because my heart is not where it needs to be--hidden in God. The motives of my heart clearly need to change because my actions do not reflect Christlikeness. I need to learn to shut up (in the context of talking about others, that is).
I also need to pray for faith; I need to learn to trust. Especially in the area of desiring to be dating, I want to trust that the Lord has the absolute best in store for me and deep down I do trust--but you would never know it from my actions, words, or complaints. A part of a song by Jenny&Tyler that I listened to this morning says "We want to taste and see the plans You have for our little lives." That is so true! As much as I recognize that it's not best to know the future, I still wish we could know parts of it. Had I known nursing school would be so hard, I probably would've given up and quit. And I should be grateful for the time here, today, as a single woman. But, I am always trying to speed up time, bring the future closer and rush through today. The other day, a friend reminded my roommate and I that it is an honor that God considers us strong enough to live with the challenge of singleness right now. It's true, and I needed that reminder because it can be hard to remember the struggle as an honor.
Most of all, I want the Lord to be glorified in this struggle, in this part of my walk towards more and more Christlikeness.
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
No comments:
Post a Comment