How to Kill a Spider

1. Put on shoes. It's not a good idea to walk around barefoot, or even semibarefoot with a spider on the loose.
2. Grab a shoe, or any nearby object--a Bible Doctrine book, a two-by-four, your roomate's laptop... Stand six to eight feet away from the spider and throw whatever-it-is at the arachnid. If you miss (and you inevitably will) and it scampers away, proceed to step three.
3. Find the spider again in a dark corner or under your bed.
4. Prance around for at least a minute. Try to think of a way to get rid of it without having to put any part of your body anywhere near it.
5. Take three deep breaths.
6. If possible, step on it and continue according to instructions. If not, proceed to the bottom of the page for alternate directions.
7. Lift foot and inspect.
8. Step near it again, just to make sure it's dead. If it appears to be dead, skip to step 13. If it scampers away, proceed to step nine.
   
9. Find the spider again.
10. Take three more deep breaths.
11. Stomp on it seven or eight times to ensure smooshage.
12. Lift foot and inspect. If spider appears dead, proceed to step 13.
13. Retrieve a tissue, washcloth, or a roommate's sock to clean the remains off of your shoe or out of your carpet.
14. Place the goo in the tissue. Make sure to gather up all the legs (even the ones that are still twitching) that have fallen off during the stomping and wiping and/or scraping. Carefully fold the tissue so that you don't have to see the spidery remains, but don't squeeze it too hard, or you might crunch the body inside.
15. Walk quickly, run or sprint to the nearest bathroom. Send the tissuey coffin to a swirling, watery doom. Note: Do not flush washcloths, socks, or other foreign objects used for this purpose.
16. Wash hands.
17. Move to another room for the next four to six hours, or until your heart rate has slowed to a normal pace.

Alternate directions: If the spider has hidden itself in some place out of reach of your foot, get hairspray. Hold can or bottle six to eight inches away, and spray until the spider is wet and shiny. Watch where it runs, though; undoubtedly it will. Now get a hairdryer. Point and blow until the arachnid is dry and crusty.